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Missy the Fly Slayer.

My grandmother was notoriously good at catching flies.
I don't mean that as a euphemism for lazy either, I mean she was good at catching actual flies.
Now you have to consider how really fucking good she must have been to earn this reputation, because it's not something she could obviously go around bragging about. You hear that, and really who cares? Which makes me wonder why I am even telling you this story, but I'm still going to.

Anyway, when it came to killing flies my grandmother was "Less Talk More Action."
If any one of us ever complained about a fly, she would come over and assinate it with her bare hands before it could make its next landing. She never had to chase them, she always got them on her first strike. She was a cold, silent killer. We respected that. In fact, after she died, that was one of the things my cousin mentioned about her. "Man, she was great at killing flies."
So you see, it was part of her legacy.

Now there is me.
In my house right now, we have what you would call a fly epidemic.
None of the windows have screens with holes, and Dana is a pacifist. She won't kill them.
So, this past week, it has gotten out of control. I keep imagining them de-fleshing my dog like in the Amityville Horror. I think that I should mention that that house, is only like a half hour from here so we may not be the gateway to hell, but we could very well be the back door, or like a service entrance. That would explain the flies.

I couldn't take it anymore. I asked Dana to buy me a fly swatter, but she kept forgetting. Then she suggested one of those fly strips like they had hanging over the counter of barf burger on the show "You can't do that on television" but I really didn't want to start decorating the house with fly carcasses. Leatherface, I am not. Then she suggested a Venus Fly trap and I told her we weren't living in the little shop of horrors. If we were, I would try to learn from Seymour's mistakes because I don't want to go around having to kill neighborhood cats and Hobos.

The other day in the kitchen it got to be too much and I picked up the rubber spatula and attacked the fly.
One crisp fluid motion and it was dead. I was impressed by the ease that I took the fly out with. So I stood by the fruit bowl and waited. He landed. I'm sure he looked at me with one of his billion eyes, but there was nothing he could do. I was locked and loaded and he was in my sites.
Strike First! Strike Hard! No Mercy Missy!
Fly be dead.

No for some totally bizzarre reason, this made me cocky. Like, I really developed this ridiculous little ego about it. I started stalking these flies, all over the house. Tapping my little spatula across the counter top to taunt them. Sliking along, eyes scanning the kitchen. I even find myself doing my best Deniero in Cape Fear impression saying "Come out, come out wherever you are." Which quickly slips into Drago from Rocky IV
"I vill break you"
Another one. My form was flawless. I was a maestro. I swung that spatula like Andre Agassi - the mullet years. I had a "Killer" overhand. Pun totally intented.
Man, I'm going to need a nickname.
What about Lord of the Flies?

All is said and done, I got seven flies yesterday. Yes I am totally aware of how disgusting that is. The last one was really messing with my head. At one point, when I thought I got all the flies. He landed on my arm. The hunter had become the hunted. I was so offended that he would DARE to challenge me to a fight.

At this point I decided I needed my own catch phrase, and I will admit watching a lot of Dirty Harry movies didn't help. "Fly, rhymes with DIE" was something I honestly came up with. I'm embarrassed now, but it just goes to show you how in the moment I was. Then I saw him, my Moby Dick had landed on the back window and was headed for freedom. I was too far away to thwack him, so I grabbed the nozzle gun from the sink and shot him. He fell like a lead balloon and that is when I went in for the kill.

So I have done a lot of reading (comic books) and have heard a lot of reports in the media (Heroes) that some people develop their super powers later in life. Maybe this is mine. Maybe this is something encoded in my DNA that my grandmother passed down to me. It's the only thing that makes sense. I may not have her raw talent YET, but I try to make up for it with style.

Once every generation, a slayer is born.
I am this generations slayer.
Missy the fly slayer



( 12 comments — Leave a comment )
Oct. 19th, 2007 03:35 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. God.

That was hilarious.

I love that your "media reports" are episodes of Heroes. I think that is the best.

You are the TRUE fly slayer.

I'm gonna have to get you like a golden swatter or something equally awesome. Maybe a laser gun. That'd show em.
Oct. 19th, 2007 04:28 pm (UTC)
A laser gun totally would show them and then I can open an electrolosis shop in my garage!

Maybe I should get a tattoo of a fly swatter so they will fear me.
Oct. 19th, 2007 03:45 pm (UTC)
When we first went to look at the house we rented in Montauk, the floors were covered with dead flys. I thought this was really odd, because it had only been unoccupied for about three months. The first spring brought flies in waves, dozens at a time. Like the storming of Normandy. Except this time, I was Normandy. You haven't lived until you've killed three with one shot. (try to get more than five in a row, you get a bonus multiplier)

So how do you like Buffy?
Oct. 19th, 2007 04:24 pm (UTC)
I killed two with one shot but it was amazing because they were about a foot apart.

We have this ridiculous piece of wood just jutting out into the kitchen between the stove and the bakers rack... one was on it and another fly was about a foot below it on the edge of an open cabinet door...

I swung like babe ruth taking out the cabinet one first and hitting the other one in the upward motion.
I was so proud of myself.
Oct. 19th, 2007 04:24 pm (UTC)
Also, I enjoy buffy.

Oct. 19th, 2007 07:40 pm (UTC)
kill em all
why so many flies? ew
Oct. 19th, 2007 07:53 pm (UTC)
Re: kill em all
why are their so many vampires in sunnydale?
They are attracted to the slayer!
Oct. 19th, 2007 07:59 pm (UTC)
Re: kill em all
We never firgured it out. We didn't have any flies the following summer, but as we were moving out they started to return. It was really bizarre.
Oct. 19th, 2007 07:59 pm (UTC)
Re: kill em all
also what missy said.
Oct. 19th, 2007 05:43 pm (UTC)
This story is amazing.
Good job, haha.
Oct. 19th, 2007 07:53 pm (UTC)
Thank you
Oct. 23rd, 2007 09:32 am (UTC)
Posts like this are why I love you and shall soon dwell in you and Dana's basement.
( 12 comments — Leave a comment )