Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

I think this is how Batman got his start.

I was feeling worn out and a little sick the other day after my jet set weekend in Washington D.C. (which I will write about later) I was miserable and wheezy all day. Dana gave me a Celestone injection and tricked me into liking the show 24. Finally at around six o'clock I decided to take some allergy medication and catch a quick power-nap before walking over to my sister's house to watch American Idol.

I was in the middle of one of those cozy cold medicine induced dreams. The kind that are so deep you feel like you are floating, when all of a sudden, it was invaded by a scream that sounded like a record scratch...

"Missy! There is a bat in the house!"

So, I'm pretty sure I'm still dreaming. A bat in the house? How is that possible? We don't have a bat..


So I slowly open my eyes, convinced I'm still dreaming... and then I see this brown RAT flying around my living room diving and swooping. Now, I don't know if it was the cold medicine or if years of smoking pot have dulled my neural impulses because my fight or flight reflex was greatly delayed. My could actually feel my thought process speed up like and automatic engine slowly shifting through gears...

"That's so weird, why aren't the dogs barking at the OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE IS A BAT IN MY HOUSE!!! RABIES! RABIES!"

And I went from laying in the couch in the supine position to vaulting over the back of the couch and dashing into the kitchen waving the pillow over my head screaming.
"Rabies! Rabies!"

It reminded me of that scene in Goonies when Martha Plimpton said

"Um Bran, god put that rock there for a reason and I don't think we should move it..."
"Then 15 seconds later she too is screaming "Rabies!" funny how things come full circle.

So we are watching the bat circle over head for a few minuets. And we went over our plan of attack, before realizing - we had no fucking plan. Dana decided she should get all the dogs (who were frozen in fear and pretending they didn't see it into the bedroom. They went willingly. There were no games of "Where's Ruby" they all took their marching orders ASAP.

Except for Elliot, who I think felt a little vindicated, after years of chasing shadows it was as though he was saying
"Wait you guys see this one too? I told you I wasn't crazy!"

He followed me to the back door - and I was hoping he, the bat, would fly out the missing screen.
Dana in the meantime had escaped into the bedroom with the dogs. Dana was screaming at me from the bedroom to hit it with a broom but I couldn't because...

1) It might make him angry.
2) Then what was I supposed to do with it?

So I called Amber for advice but she was pretty drunk and just found the whole thing hilarious. She told me to get a garlic and a crucifix.

Thanks Amber!

So Dana had the brilliant plan of
"Lets leave the dogs in the bedroom and go to Dawn's house now."
Then what? Have a pet bat?

But we hadn't seen the bat in a few minuets so I thought maybe it found it's way out the back door with the missing screen. I figured I better check the house one last time. I opened the pocket door that separates the front room from the living room and Dana was yelling "Why are you going in there? That door is closed he can't get through that crac...."


Or sonar or something that prevents them from flying INTO things.
Which means this bat was on the attack!
Which meant I now had either rabies or I was about to become a fucking vampire.

So I look and I see the Bat is now laying on the ground stunned.
It's big hairy back heaving with fear.
Dana is screaming at me to kill it with the broom. I'm screaming back that she is fucking crazy because Its fucking BIG. I would get one shot in and then it would turn on me or it would shape shift back into his human form and then I would be really fucked because I would make a terrible vampire. I hate goth music. Either that or I would have to clean up bat guts off the floor.

So I scream to her to get me a tupperware.
She goes, "What do you need a tupperware for?"

Now, I love Dana, I really do. But in that second I could have killed her. I knew that it was dumb luck that Bat flew into my chest. I knew I had about thirty seconds before it got it's senses back about him and started flying around the house again. I didn't have time to explain the intricacies of my plan. Mostly because I didn't have a plan other than covering it with the tupperware and containing it.

I yelled, "Just get me the tupperware!!!"
She yelled back, "Where is it?"
"You live in this house you know where the tupperware is, unless you want rabies you better hurry!"

The next thing I know a tupperware was hitting me on the side of the head.
I caught it after it bounced off my face and slammed it down around the bat.

This angered the bat.
It spread it's creepy leathery wings inside the tupperware and started screaming.
I started screaming back and suddenly I realized...
This was as far as my plan went.
I asked Dana for a plastic bag to wrap the whole mess in, but none of the bags we had were big enough. I then for some reason thought I could cover the bottom of the tupperware with tinfoil but it was ripping and I was worried about the bat escaping.
Dana was taking some pictures but none of them came out.
Probably for the best though because if I had gotten a good look at what I was dealing with

I would have died.
For real, I would have hit the ground like Cisco Adler's balls. (google for reference - totally worth it.)

Dana we suggested that we just leave it in there and let is suffocate. I told her I was pretty sure that if the tupperware doesn't have a lid, it's not airtight and I didn't have that kind of time. Plus, I couldn't kill a mammal no matter how creepy and vile it was. Somewhere out there he had a creepy and vile family that loved him. Bad Karma. Then Dana had the brilliant idea that I just push the tupperware to the front door. This I could do. So the first thing I do is bang on the top of the Tupperware again hoping this would stun him and lessen his chance of escape. It didn't work, it just made him angrier and flap around inside the bucket more. Which made me scream more. Dana ran around behind me and closed all the open windows in the front room so he didn't find his way back in.

Then we get to the door and the problem is our door jam has a metal plate on the bottom that is raised about two inches, so I couldn't slide him right out. So out plan was, Dana would open the front door and I would smack the whole tupperware out with my broom. So the door swung open. I shot! I scored! Dana slammed the door!
Safe! Then I ran to the back door and slammed the door with the open screen just to make sure he didn't fly back for revenge.

The plus side is my wheezing greatly subsided because I think all the adrenaline was equivalent to an epinephrine shot! Bonus!

Plus Mike reminded me that this was totally Bob Kane's Batman origin

So, I guess that's pretty cool.
Except I'm pretty sure that Bat didn't fly into Bruce Wayne's tits.
If he had, I'm pretty sure he would have picked a different animal.


( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 20th, 2008 10:48 pm (UTC)
batboy was totally unexpected and made me laugh!

i am glad you didn't kill the bat - it was probably itching to get back outside anyway.
Feb. 20th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
I don't think she really wanted me to kill the bat - I just think she was in panic mode...

It was so gross and it touched me!
I'm so positive I have rabies now.
(no subject) - al2o3cr - Feb. 21st, 2008 12:16 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - golfshirt6 - Feb. 21st, 2008 10:30 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 20th, 2008 11:21 pm (UTC)
If a bat smacked into my chest, I can safely say I would have a full mental collapse. My remaining days would be spent riding a tricycle in my living room. I'm sure of it.
Feb. 21st, 2008 12:07 am (UTC)
yeah... when I thought about it today I was totally skeved and creeped out.

I mean, it hit me so hard it kind of knocked itself out.

Totally gross!!!!
Feb. 20th, 2008 11:56 pm (UTC)
I have been there SO many times, my old building was a bat haven and I'd get have a dozen in the apartment per summer. Hilarity ALWAYS ensues with bat encounters, it's like a rule.

And you totally have rabies now. SUCKER!
Feb. 21st, 2008 12:08 am (UTC)
I know.. I woke up with a headache this morning and I convinced myself I "had the Rabies" either that I was a Vampire and I was already developing a sensitivity to the sunlight.
Feb. 21st, 2008 12:04 am (UTC)
OMG too funny. i used to work at a bar in the sticks that always had bats in the summer. i was the designated "bat girl" i had a special tennis racket and everything. we had one in our house once, and my husband screamed like a girl the whole time. it was very funny. good job getting it out, they can be tricky bastards! :)
Feb. 21st, 2008 12:12 am (UTC)
It was dumb luck - He flew into me.

Which makes me think he was sick or something, because I thought they had Radar so they wouldn't fly into things...

I don't think I could handle going through this again
Feb. 21st, 2008 12:38 am (UTC)
It was Dracula. He was trying to get more brides for his evil plot to take over the world.
I am so sure of it.
Feb. 21st, 2008 02:05 am (UTC)
me too... I feel like it's pretty obvious.
Feb. 21st, 2008 01:07 am (UTC)
Why on earth would you call me?

I still think my ideas were good ones.
Feb. 21st, 2008 02:07 am (UTC)
What about the dogs?
They bark for 20 minuets at somebody who walks past the house...

but they had a wild animal flying around their living room and didn't make a peep!
(no subject) - al2o3cr - Feb. 21st, 2008 03:06 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - golfshirt6 - Feb. 21st, 2008 11:28 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 21st, 2008 01:41 am (UTC)
*skeeves the heck out*
Feb. 21st, 2008 02:06 am (UTC)
it gives me chills just thinking about it!
Feb. 21st, 2008 02:02 am (UTC)
batboy was the source of so many childhood nightmares!
Feb. 21st, 2008 02:08 am (UTC)
I know... the only thing worse than catching a bat, would have been catching batboy.
Feb. 21st, 2008 03:27 am (UTC)
what size tupperware?
Feb. 21st, 2008 10:31 am (UTC)
It was a really tall and narrow Tupperwear.
I have no idea what it would be used to use it for....
I use it for soups, sauces and chilli
(no subject) - al2o3cr - Feb. 21st, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 21st, 2008 05:55 am (UTC)
I love bats. I used to want a pet bat. Then again I pretty much want any animal I see. Except for monkies. Now THEY are creepy.

(I'll admit though it would freak me out some if a bat were loose in my house)

"That's so weird, why aren't the dogs barking at the OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE IS A BAT IN MY HOUSE!!! RABIES! RABIES!"

haha. best part of the post!
Feb. 21st, 2008 10:35 am (UTC)
My grandfather was really into a bat preservation society - and when he died we found all of these coffee cans full of coins in his apartment that we donated to them and they sent us stella luna stuffed animals...

It's okay to like bats in theory but to have a wild animal loose in your house that may have rabies - skeeve!

I have a fear of anything that flies actually. I'm terrified of birds... they scare the shit out of me... Bats are like a billion times worse.

Then when it was on the ground it was all heaving and hairy... and it flew smack into my chest!

Top ten scariest moments of my life.
(no subject) - niffs - Feb. 21st, 2008 04:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - golfshirt6 - Feb. 21st, 2008 04:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - niffs - Feb. 21st, 2008 04:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - niffs - Feb. 25th, 2008 06:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - golfshirt6 - Feb. 25th, 2008 07:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 21st, 2008 03:14 pm (UTC)
OMG I just laughed my ass off at work.
Feb. 21st, 2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
Wow, thank you. That's nice of you to say :)
( 32 comments — Leave a comment )